Hello, it’s me, Tilly’s mum.
You’ve not heard from me for a while. I’m sorry for the silence.
I’ve tried to write to you before now, but each time I start, something happens – a little person demands my attention, I get distracted by a phone call, I have to put the laptop down to hang washing up, or sometimes I just can’t write. I start, but the words don’t flow. Actually, that is the main problem. I have writer’s block.
But I think I know why I’ve been having trouble putting (virtual) pen to (virtual) paper.
I joined some ‘blogging’ Facebook groups a couple of months ago, and rather than inspire me to write more, they’ve had the opposite effect. I read post after post about linky’s, post reach, affiliated links, bloggers being paid, statistics for this, statistics for that – and I got the fear. I felt out of my depth, lost my way and completely lost my desire to write.
What I’ve realised now as I’m writing this, is that I had forgotten why I started my blog in the first place. It wasn’t to watch the likes and shares on the statistics rise in numbers, it wasn’t to reach the masses. It was to share my thoughts and experiences with those who were interested and could learn, or teach me, something from them. It was also a way to decipher my thoughts and worries – the process of writing somehow provides me with a technique for self-therapy.
So why am I writing now? What has changed?
Two things have happened recently that have made me re-evaluate my blogging (non-) existence:
- I was surprised to find my name listed on the nominations for 2 different awards for the upcoming BAPS Awards (blogging awards for us Special Needs bloggers/parents). I’ve no idea how I got on there (thank you if you happen to be reading this), but it has prompted me to think about why I’ve not been blogging and what has been standing in my way. It has also given me a little lift in my confidence – perhaps there is someone out there who has read something on my blog that has resonated with them, or helped them, or they may have simply enjoyed reading one of my posts. It was reason enough for them to nominate me and that is such a lovely feeling.
- I’ve been struggling a little with depression. Unfortunately it’s a condition (a side effect of our circumstances even) that many parents like me have to deal with during our journeys with our children. On a daily basis, I experience a myriad of emotions – I can be brimming with positivity about how well Tilly is doing one minute, then before I know it, I can suddenly become overwhelmed with sadness and fear about her future. Add to that the fights we have to undertake in order to get answers/decisions/support; the appointments and meetings we have to arrange, attend and follow up on; the struggle to find the time and energy to manage a home, family and job (though not me…I’ve not figured that part out yet!); the therapies and help we provide our children. It doesn’t take long for it all to become too much to handle.
After some analysis (well, a coffee and a quiet moment to myself), I had a light bulb moment. Perhaps there is a correlation between my depression and writing my blog! I’ve not written anything for 2 months…..and I’ve been feeling low for around, em, 2 months.
So, you lucky readers, expect more ramblings from me in the coming weeks. This is a particularly selfish and self-indulgent post which I promise won’t reappear. I will get back to writing about my beautiful daughter Tilly – and believe me, there is a lot to catch up on!
Hopefully you’ll stay with me and continue sharing this journey with us. But if you don’t, that’s OK. I’m not about the numbers – I’m about you gaining something (anything) valuable from my thoughts.