My post A-Day wobble

Damn you, you so called ‘autism experts’.  Damn you for making me wobble and look at my precious daughter through those eyes again.

Those eyes I looked through years ago when our little girl was being analysed and tested for so many scary things.  The eyes that delayed me connecting with my own flesh and blood, from creating that special mother and daughter bond.

The eyes that made me question every movement, look, sound or twitch she made, wondering if it was ‘normal’.  The eyes that searched google morning, noon and night in the hope that I would be the one to find the answer so that I no longer had to subject her to daunting hospital appointments and horrible tests.

With the help of my wonderful Crossreach counsellor, the eyes I worked so hard to switch off and replace with the loving, true eyes I now see her through.  Until A-Day.

You almost did it.  You almost switched them on again – they have been flickering on and off since that day, but I have made sense of it all.

She is still the same beautiful girl she was before.  She doesn’t just see me as a tool to get what she wants, she sees me as her mum – and I know she feels as much love for me as I do her.  She understands our relationship, in fact, she understands her relationship with all the key people in her life.  The way she ran to her Aunty Sally and gave her a massive cuddle when she walked through the door today.  The way she lights up when her brother is in the room.  She connects with people in the same amazing way today as she did before A-Day.

I almost let it happen, but this diagnosis isn’t going to change anything.  It’s given us a little more ammunition and a massive amount of fighting spirit to get what is best for her, but she’s still our beautiful, happy and wonderful Tilly.